I have been hurt before, my heart has been broken, twisted and battered with hopes shattered and expectations crumbled. And this pain shaped me into what I was. I have anxiety, I have fear, was depressed for quite some time but I still lived on. Day by day, fighting all odds trying hard to be strong and holding myself up. I was happy, free in my own spirit, lost in my own world.
And one day you suddenly burst in, bringing in a new wave and asked me to believe. I told you I was broken, told you I was twisted. But you insisted, asked me to have faith and promised I would heal. You gave me courage. U broke down the wall I had build and made me feel things I had long forgotten I was capable of feeling. Gradually I chose to trust you, to think your words are true, in spite of them being to good to be true, in spite of being very scared.
I told you I was old fashioned, I told you for me love is not casual, I told you that my kind of love consumes the soul, crumbles the heart and clings on hard..very hard. And you agreed. You said you want all of it, even if it burns you down. You said you were looking for love that would be like this. You said that you wanted me. That the broken pieces of me do not bother you. And I believed…
And one day, you suddenly disappeared. No phone calls, no messages, nothing..I panicked. I called, messaged, tried to reach out to you, telling you about my fears but you said its not like that, that you were busy. You asked me to be patient, to understand. I did that. I became patient, kept waiting. I thought that it was all in my head, that you were different and I was assuming things I should not. But slowly, my fears started coming true. Days passed and you began to fade away, you no longer cared and that was the bitter truth..
In the beginning it was very difficult to accept, to move on. The flood gate that you had opened in my heart was unstoppable now. Tears streamed down till my eyes burned. The dreaded ache in my heart was back. It had replaced the joy that I had just started feeling. I still waited, hoping against hope for you to respond. I couldn’t comprehend why you were doing this? Were you not supposed to be different? Had you not told me again and again that you loved me? Then I realized, it was my mistake. You were no different, you were just like the others who had hurt me before. May be you were just the sweet talking version of the shit I had encountered earlier. I let myself trust you, to build hope. I had not wanted much, just asked you to be there… And you said you will be, that you were here to stay and I believed you. It was my mistake to put the guard down. May be you are just meant to be just another lesson in my life, that has to be learnt and moved on. You are another chapter in my life which has taught me never make myself vulnerable and to never let anyone in. You taught that me that the strength I thought I had was all a myth, and that I was the same little love struck girl who could trust, love and get hurt over and over again..
I know it was of very short time, only a few phone calls and fewer video calls and texting. Only a few weeks, not enough to fall in love. And there was no physical intimacy as we were miles apart. I know the time was very less. It was not a full blown relationship as they say. But it was something… to me…I gave it my soul…you consumed my heart…
But now all is gone. I am on my own again. Like the famous “Alan Walker ” song you introduced me to…
Was is all in my fantasy? Where are you now?
Were you only imaginary, Where are you now?
Another Dream…The monsters running wild inside of me…
I am faded, So lost….I am faded….
boldbutnotsobeautiful 