Fading Away….

fadeI have been hurt before, my heart has been broken, twisted and battered with hopes shattered and expectations crumbled. And this pain shaped me into what I was. I have anxiety, I have fear, was depressed for quite some time but I still lived on. Day by day, fighting all odds trying hard to be strong and holding myself up. I was happy, free in my own spirit, lost in my own world.

And one day you suddenly burst in, bringing in a new wave and asked me to believe. I told you I was broken, told you I was twisted. But you insisted, asked me to have faith and promised I would heal. You gave me courage. U broke down the wall I had build and made me feel things I had long forgotten I was capable of feeling. Gradually I chose to trust you, to think your words are true, in spite of them being to good to be true, in spite of being very scared.

I told you I was old fashioned, I told you for me love is not casual, I told you that my kind of love consumes the soul, crumbles the heart and clings on hard..very hard. And you agreed. You said you want all of it, even if it burns you down. You said you were looking for love that would be like this. You said that you wanted me. That the broken pieces of me do not bother you. And I believed…

And one day, you suddenly disappeared. No phone calls, no messages, nothing..I panicked. I called, messaged, tried to reach out to you, telling you about my fears but you said its not like that, that you were busy. You asked me to be patient, to  understand. I did that. I became patient, kept waiting. I thought that it was all in my head, that you were different and I was assuming things I should not. But slowly, my fears started coming true. Days passed and you began to fade away, you no longer cared and that was the bitter truth..

In the beginning it was very difficult to accept, to move on. The flood gate that you had opened in my heart was unstoppable now. Tears streamed down till my eyes burned. The dreaded ache in my heart was back. It had replaced the joy that I had just started feeling.  I still waited, hoping against hope for you to respond. I couldn’t comprehend why you were doing this? Were you not supposed to be different? Had you not told me again and again that you loved me? Then I realized, it was my mistake. You were no different, you were just like the others who had hurt me before. May be you were just the sweet talking version of the shit I had encountered earlier. I let myself trust you, to build hope. I had not wanted much, just asked you to be there… And you said you will be, that you were here to stay and I believed you. It was my mistake to put the guard down. May be you are just meant to be just another lesson in my life, that has to be learnt and moved on. You are another chapter in my life which has taught me never make myself vulnerable and to never let anyone in. You taught that me that the strength I thought I had was all a myth, and that I was the same little love struck girl who could trust, love and get hurt over and over again..

I know it was of very short time, only a few phone calls and fewer video calls and texting. Only a few weeks, not enough to fall in love. And there was no physical intimacy as we were miles apart. I know the time was very less. It was not a full blown relationship as they say. But it was something… to me…I gave it my soul…you consumed my heart…

But now all is gone. I am on my own again. Like the famous “Alan Walker ” song you introduced me to…

Was is all in my fantasy? Where are you now?

Were you only imaginary, Where are you now?

Another Dream…The monsters running wild inside of me…

I am faded, So lost….I am faded….

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Shackled — boldbutnotsobeautiful

I have been shackled for too long now. No, I am not being oppressed, nor is anyone keeping me captivated. I am free woman who comes from a progressive society, has a supportive network of friends and family. I am financially independent and I am free to do my mind. Almost nothing is amiss. Then […]

via Shackled — boldbutnotsobeautiful

Shackled

chains-of-violence-impact-on-Palestinian-and-Israeli-children-lead-2012-08-21  I have been shackled for too long now. No, I am not being oppressed, nor is anyone keeping me captivated. I am free woman who comes from a progressive society, has a supportive network of friends and family. I am financially independent and I am free to do my mind. Almost nothing is amiss. Then why am I calling myself shackled? Who has imprisoned me?

I have this inherent thirst for travel. The longing to visit a new place, to soak in its vibe, to revel in its variance, to feel the adventure on my skin and the rush in my blood. But what have I done about it? I have researched…googled…again and again..read blog posts..gathered information, made mental plans, calculated the budget several times and worked on the logistics of my journey many a times. I have joined travel groups, memorized travel routes and transport schedules. But I am yet to make a journey!!

So who is stopping me from going? I have the time and resources to travel. I have the will, heart and motivation to go. But I am not going. The question is “why ?”

Well, the answer lies within me. I am a victim of my fears and inhibitions and of being a member of the fairer sex. The truth is that in spite of calling myself independent and donning a fearless exterior appearance, I am scared, sacred of the people, of the society, scared of what might happen, scared of what people might say if something happens. I am basically scared of the unknown, the same unknown which fascinates me, also scares me. There have also been times when I decided to let go of my inhibitions and was all set to go, but chickened out at the last moment. Sometimes due to a comment from a female peer that, “solo travel can result in dangerous situation”, sometimes after reading a post about “the perils of solo travel for a lone female”, there were times when I got intimidated by the lecherous grins of the men standing on a dark street corner while walking home from work on a week day and cancelled my weekend travel plans.A black woman behind bars

Also there has been no dearth of encouragement from a few colleagues and friends, who have told me to “just go”. People who have listened to my enthusiastic plans patiently, smiled and said, “You should definitely do this”, only to later add a line, “But be safe”. Each time, these three words were enough to dampen my spirits and make me rethink my plan. All this has happened so many times over the years that I now I feel no hope. I still want to travel, I still check out places online but never make the journey.

But the question is what is safety? Am I really safe in the city where I live and can my travel to a new place compromise it? What am I trying to be safe against? Lecherous men, rapist, kidnappers, Criminals. But are there no such people already there in our home cities? What are the odds that I will come across  all of these people only when I go travelling? Or am I scared of natural disasters like cyclones, flash floods, earthquakes which might destruct my travel plan and render me stranded? But is the city I live in immune to such calamities? And how much is the probability that all these disasters will occur only in those places I go to and only on those two days when I am out there?

Well…I am not good at math. But chances are that the probability is very low. In fact it is much more probable that I will be able to make the trip safely and will come back happier and wiser enriched with a great experience.  Hence I think its time to break the shackles and let go off my fears. To just go into the world and explore it to the fullest. Its time to realize my dreams….

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Random Thoughts

 

rain blog Sitting inside the temperature controlled office, sipping a scalding hot cup of coffee and staring at the rain through the glass barrier in between; several random thoughts pass through my mind. Time is slipping by, life is going by, with each passing day I am moving forward in life. Some things in life are beautiful while others are not so, somethings I am so certain and sure about, while not so about others. What does all this boil down to? What does one begin with? and where does all this end? or does it ever end?

Life is a circle, going round and round. Happiness, sorrow, expectations, disappointment, success, failure everything…comes and goes again and again, while we live on. Clawing at the opportunities, drowning in despair,  worrying about things not in our control, obsessing on things which would not even mean anything a month down the line…we live on. That’s human life. We strive to be happy, find solace in things which are temporary, creating an illusion in our minds of impending bliss. All the while during this struggle we forget that life is going by…

What is the purpose of human life? The average life span of 70-80 years that we are to spend in this world…are we destined to just eat, sleep, work, repeat all the while and then die one day? Surely not….not everyone…some people are destined to do great things…be leaders, win games, be famous, create art….but what about common people like you and me? leading everyday lives…what about us? Yes, that’s what we do…eat, sleep, work repeat with events like marriage, kids, festivals etc or little pleasures of sex, vacations, travel etc to break the everyday monotony. We are like little mechanical creatures which go on and on everyday within this mechanism called life, all the while striving for a little bit of emotion called happiness which happens due to the release of hormones called “dopamine and serotonin” in our brains…….

But the sad fact is that we are not happy. We are burdened by our own set and degrees of sadness which we think is the worst. We create our own disappointments by being expectant. It is not the other people or external things which make us unhappy, but it is we ourselves who does that by being dependent on external things….here I won’t repeat the things that many a great men have said several times already, “Find happiness within” because I know that its easier said than done !! We are normal human beings, often not in control of our emotions and in such a scenario finding happiness within is very difficult, especially in the world of social media which shows that everyone else is constantly living in perpetual state of bliss while we are doomed…as they say, “happiness in others causes a longing for happiness in one, hence which results in despair and grief”….

So what is the solution? The solution is to get up from that chair and get out of that air conditioned room…go out in the rain, like we once did as kids, feel the rain drops on our face and the wind in our hair…look at the beauty of the setting or rising sun…gaze at the moon gliding behind cloud on a moon lit night….walk barefoot on the dewy grass on a cold winter morning…watch the ducks swim on the local park’s lake and watch the long weeds sway to the tune of the breeze….be mesmerized at the abundance and beauty of nature which is freely available at every moment. I am not saying that it will relieve us of our sorrows, and disappointments. But it will surely give us some respite and some happiness…after all isn’t that what we are all living for…… walking

Why is it always a man’s responsibility?

Recently, while having a water cooler (or rather water dispensar) conversatation with a fellow female colleague of mine, I found this topic for my blog..Her family is currently looking for ‘suitable’ suitors for her marriage. She is a strong independant woman, fairly capable of taking care of her and her families needs, she is confident and proud of herself..calls herself ” a career woman” but while looking for a marriageble guy, her pre requeset is “The guy should be financially well off and capable enough to take my responsibility”….

now plz dont take me wrong..there is nothing wrong in looking for a strong and responsible guy to marry with ( i myself would want my man to be caring, responsible and capable)…but why and what is the need for the guy to be able to take ‘my’ responsilibility? Are you not capable enough to take care of yourself?

Women want to celebrate independence, be confident…demand respect…want to be seen as strong and equal to men..but if looking for equality then why want preference? It is implied that a ‘nice and courteus’ guy would vacate a seat for a woman on public transportation. I agree, that this should be done, provided the lady is pregnant, old, disabled or sick (or for that matter regardless of the gender of the old, disabled and sick person). But why would a perfectly healthy, strong and young man vacate the seat for a perfectly strong, healthy and young woman ? Are’nt we talking about equality here?

In a marriage it is not only the man’s but also the woman’s responsibility to take care of each other and support each other? Should it really matter who is financially well off among them? As a couple, should both of them not be equally responsible about each other?

Your comment or critisism is most welcome……

Invisible Women of India

Let me begin this Post by praising my country…indeed India is a great country, country of great men… I repeat and emphasize on the word “men“…because here women are  invisible…and if they are not they should be…that is what we are told and taught…you don’t believe me? Ok let me give you examples : “Women are not supposed to go out alone after a certain time in the evening”…”Women are not supposed to talk or laugh loudly (it is unwomanly)”…”Women are not supposed to give their opinion”…”Women are not supposed to dress in a certain way”…in short they are supposed to be invisible…. or in shadows…Shadows of great men who are supposed to protect and save them..

But the question is : Save them from whom? The same men who are supposed to be the protectors? Only a different set !!

Now let me tell you a story…Almost 23-24 years ago, in a small town in my great country, a 6-7 years old little girl used to go to a neighborhood painting class. Other children approximately her age from the same neighborhood also attended the class. All these children would sit on a rug on the floor and copy the drawing made by the teacher on the board and then fill colors in the drawing as per their fancy. One day, as the little girl was busy painting the fruit basket in her drawing, another girl about the same age nudged her. When she turned towards her friend, her gaze was met by an anxious nod of head and instruction to cover her knees with her dress. She looked down to find that her frock has ridden up her knee and a portion of her thigh was showing.  The little girl did not understand. She was puzzled at the anxious and hurried expression of her friend on showing of her leg. Her friend scolded her for being so naive and explained her that a good girl should never show her thigh especially in the presence of so many males. The males present in the room were the friend’s brother who was a year or two elder than them, and a couple of little boys about the same age. For the little girl it was a new concept, she was unable to come to terms with. She was not able to understand, how she it was inappropriate if only a little of her leg could be seen? After all it was only a little bit of thigh and knee showing !! How can someone’s knee be indecent!! Moreover, it was ok for the so-called males in the room to wear shorts which bared their knee blatantly !! She wondered how her friend could know and understand so much about something she couldn’t comprehend ?

Therefore, from the basics the little girl’s friend was taught to be invisible…not to show her knee…to behave like a girl…who taught her that? people at home? her parents? the society? at the age of 6-7 the little girl’s friend was already learning to be invisible…